Honey
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: You probably don't know me. As a matter of fact, nobody really did, not even me. But still, I want to tell you their story. Thank you very much to Miss H.
1. Prologue

**_Prologue_**

My name is Honey. I like rainy days and the smell that the fall leaves have in the park when a subtle breeze takes possession of the trees all of a sudden, and the world seems to have a rest, to observe all around its own figure. We should have a break from time to time then enjoy the peculiar beauty of existence. It's not romantic at all but utopian; which is even better as a matter of fact.

I have big gray eyes and very long dark hair. I usually wear a pair of jeans and a v-neck sweater; sometimes a skirt when it's required. Every single morning our old cat Miss Rainbow pushes the door of my bedroom and comes to cuddle against my neck. The heat of the little body warms me up. I open my eyes, very slowly, and take a deep breath. The traffic is already dense in the street below and I can hear the trucks pass by, the sound the neighbor's car going away.

I live in The Upper West Side. It's the only place that I really know, where I belong to. Our two-bedroom flat is just at the corner of Amsterdam and 86th. It's tiny but perfect; my little home, our shelter in the middle of the tempest. We have lived so many things here that I couldn't even imagine going somewhere else. I will though, one day.

When I was a child we always went to the park on Sunday, Riverside Park; we played among the multitude of flowers, contemplated the river. And when I asked why we never went to Central Park, nobody answered. They all looked up at the sky, took my hand and we went away in an embarrassed silence that I have learned to accept with the years. Some answers are made to remain unknown.

You probably don't know me. As a matter of fact, nobody really did, not even me, until a few months ago; the day I turned sixteen. It came out all of a sudden like an explosion of fireworks in the peaceful night of some desert area. I had fantasized about it for a very long while but as reality doesn't have to do with fiction, things didn't turn out as I had imagined. After long hours of wonders, I guess I can say that it's even better.

My mother got married and the shadows of our past finally faded away. This is their story, from the very day they kissed to this afternoon; the moment I'm writing. We may consider that I'm a great part of it but I just think that I am the result of almost two decades of secrecy during which they didn't manage to assume their feelings.

They are presently sat on the couch of the living-room, sharing smiles and light kisses in each other's arms. They don't know that I'm here, standing on the doorframe of my bedroom, looking at them, or they would have stopped their intimate gazes for a very long while. It's still a bit complicated for them to show their affection in public; no matter how right it sounds.

I could have kept on living without knowing the slightest detail; we all could have done that. I'm glad they dared though, for them. As much as it wasn't a typical family, it was still mine. It's not about traditional schemes but love and I receive an impressive amount of it everyday; from aunt Grace, my two uncles Will and Jack. My mother is in another category of course. She doesn't bring me love but literally makes me crawl under it which would leave most people astonished for her not being the same with the rest of the crowd. If I asked about her to the others, I already know their answers.

"Karen is coldhearted… She's haughty… I'd say that she's selfish; yeah, egocentric and extremely nasty… Karen Walker is not human… Oh well, she's just a bitch."

But for some reasons, they wouldn't stop there; while reaching the top of incisive critics. After a note of indifference towards my mother's well-known behavior, their features would soften and they would end up smiling evasively.

"She's this big mystery… Karen is terribly addicting… She's smart, way too much… Her nastiness turns into a funny trick all of a sudden and you can't help it; it hits you right away. Damn yes, she's funny… She could say the worst about you and she would still be in your heart… Karen is bewitching."

I have been living with her for sixteen years now, in very close terms. And if there's something I can tell you about her, it's that all these comments are true. My mother is a unique paradox of love mixed with fear. She hides her insecurities behind a mask of inaccessibility before swallowing it all in silence; then she pretends that it hasn't touched her at all. She can get on your nerves so easily that the least movement of her lips seems to become the exact symbol of some devilish possession.

But behind her eyes she keeps all the rest safe, the real nature of her persona. You have to close the doors and prove her your sincerity. She lets her guard fall down then, little by little. It requires a lot of patience but you can trust me: you won't regret it.

Karen is just asking for care, silently.

And it took her sixteen years to recognize her love for him.

Let's just get back to the very beginning; let's just tell their story.


	2. Sweet sixteen

**_Sweet sixteen_**

She opened an eye and scrutinized the tree opposite the street. When she had moved in eighteen years ago she could only see it if she bent over the window; looking down. Now it was so big that it went above the roofs and got lost in the sky.

Time passed by. People made a step forward, turned around and realized that things had kept on moving too. Kept on evolving. Kept on growing. She stretched her legs and arms, yawning. It wasn't even eight yet and the flat was plunged into a peaceful silence. She rolled on her stomach and grabbed a sheet of paper left on the pillow then smiled. She kept every single message from him preciously in a shoe box.

She had learned his hand-writing by heart. The way his letters formed a curve, a meticulous one. She could have recognized it in the dark like most of the details related to him. She got up and put down the small square of paper in a safe place before looking at herself in the mirror. She was smiling, her lips vaguely swollen as if he had just kissed her passionately. It made her blush. He was her longest story, the most significant one but also the only one that would remain in the dark.

She narrowed her eyes and came closer to the mirror, trying to ignore her slight myopia. Her face had changed over the years, keeping prints of the injuries, the pain and happiness that had given rhythm to her existence since the day she had started breathing. She was getting older, like everyone.

The seconds were flying away and she couldn't do anything but look at them vanish at the corner of her bitter smiles because it was just how it had to be; the rules of some addicting game.

She finally emerged from her half-asleep state and restrained a scream. She shivered uncontrollably, rubbing her hands to warm up. They were in the middle of December; New York had turned into a white land of inaccessible places and the central heating was obviously dead that morning. She put on a mohair cardigan, grabbed a woolen scarf and headed on her tiptoes to the room next door; like every year. Very carefully she poked her head inside then made a few steps before kneeling down next to the bed. She was sleeping peacefully but there was nothing left of the little girl she had been once. Her features had deepened; she had grown up. Karen glanced at the book resting on the bedside table; _The Waves. _She made a face. Even adolescence seemed to be fading away now.

She caressed her hair slowly, smiling as she opened her eyes and began to sing softly.

"Happy birthday to you… Happy birthday to you… Happy birthday to you, Honey… Happy birthday to you…"

They both burst out laughing and hugged tightly.

"I can't believe you're sixteen."

Karen broke the embrace and looked at her daughter with a fake disgust. The teenager frowned and rolled her eyes.

"Oh come on; it's no big deal."

Honey got up and put on a large sweater as her mother stepped out of the room mumbling all along.

"You must get that from him."

Him; that was the way she used to call the man who didn't live with them; the one who was a part of their existence in spite of all those blanks whenever a question popped out and Karen didn't know what to say. Her lips began to tremble and she looked away all of a sudden then cleared her voice; smiling weakly, and changed the topic.

She alluded to him though, through this mysterious 'Him'. Honey had just learned how to stay quiet over it and leave the identity of her father in the anonymity of some blurry past.

Karen grabbed Miss Rainbow and sat down at the countertop of the kitchen, pouring some orange juice into two glasses and looked at her daughter eating in silence. The cat began to play with her woolen scarf but she didn't pay attention to it, just kept on wondering why it had turned out this way. A wave of guilt spread over her heart. She leaned over and kissed Honey's cheek before an apologetic smile played on her lips. _It's so complicated._

She stood up and sighed; heading for a shower.

_They had missed out at the right time. Taken away in the unexpected twist of the events, they had waited; and waited. The fact was that the years had passed by so quickly that it had submerged and vaguely suffocated them; looking for air, they had simply abdicated._

_It lasted three years until they reached another stage, an extremely serious one. The pregnancy test turned out positive and it set it off all over again. Of course it was already too late and the weight of the secret was too heavy now to be revealed. The nine months flew away, she gave birth to Honey and they saw their only chance to make it vanish in a whirl of lies and implicit agreements._

_He could see her everyday, take care of her and enjoy every single second of his life with her. He just had to stay quiet and never say who he really was. It had broken her heart but he had advanced the idea so she had nodded quietly, one more time resigning before the powerful silence that gave rhythm to their story._

_It's okay, Karen. Sometimes life doesn't turn out the way we have planned. It doesn't necessarily mean that it will make us sad. It can be the exact opposite._

_He had leaned over and planted a kiss on his daughter's head while the new-born was sagely sleeping in her mother's arms. She hadn't said a word, just held his hand so tight in a motion of apologies. She had never meant to mess up his life like that._

A knock on the door made her jump. She stepped out of the shower, wrapped herself in a bath towel and poked her head out. The teenager was holding the phone.

"It's Will."

She took it and closed the door, sliding along it before sitting down on the floor. His voice came to her ear and made her smile brightly.


	3. The man of my dreams

**_The man of my dreams_**

I guess it didn't hit my mind until I turned six. I looked around and realized that my conception of a family was wrong, false somehow. All my friends had a dad but me. I didn't blame anyone. I had learned to live without a patriarch and I did love my own and so peculiar family. Grace was adorable; Jack and Will so funny. It changed my vision of things though, as if I had finally opened my eyes before a series of details that had escaped my attention until then.

My mother had never mentioned him, nor any of the other adults. They might have dreaded the inevitable moment I would ask about him but the concentration of their studied silence over this man simply led me to understand that he would only be some odd fantasy of my mind.

I began to memorize every single picture of 'prince charming' that I could find in my books, leafing through those fairytales during long hours, wishing nothing but for my father to be one of them. One day he would climb by the gutter and step into my bedroom that turned out to be the only dungeon I could picture out in the tiny Upper West Side flat. And we would be happy together, the three of us. I couldn't leave my mother behind; she deserved to get someone.

Karen Delaney; it's her name. She got married twice before finally deciding that life was better without the weight of a wedding ring on her finger. That's the reason she gives to everyone; as a matter of fact she got asked for a divorce and never had any other choice. All I know from that time is that her last husband died and she received all his fortune. We do have money, it's a fact. She simply thinks that it's not a reason to show it all the time. I assume she changed her opinion about it because people are used to scoffing at that; then stare at her in disbelief. Sometimes I do wonder how life was before she got me.

While the image of the perfect dad was twirling around in my head, I began to study my mother's behavior. The slightest gesture got scanned; the way she laughed, smiled, looked at people, got angry, cried. She's very talented when it comes to hide her feelings but the main mistake she made with me has been to think that I wasn't observing her and so she let her guard fall down.

On Mondays and Thursdays she used to spend the evening out. Grace came home to babysit me, Jack too from time to time. Will only took care of me in the afternoon; on weekends, for a day off. He always advanced the idea that he was too tired during the week. He went to bed early and my mother called him grandpa; a party pooper. What kind of excuse did she find for her friends, what kind of lies? Perhaps she simply said that she went on a date and for my presence in her life her relationships turned out to be light flings, superficial one-night stands. She didn't have enough time to introduce her potential boyfriends. At the call of my name they rushed away and thanked her for the night before vanishing in the streets of New York. She never heard of them again and life went on.

Now that I think about it, I'm sure he also had his days here. I never walked in on them. Several times I tried to stay awake long enough to catch the slightest sound escaping from the living­-room that would have led me to understand that she wasn't alone but I always ended up falling asleep for being too young; then I grew up and respected her intimacy. My obsession to find my mother's invisible man faded with the years and the routine. Wisdom simply led me to think that it might be the way she managed to be happy.

But at six years old my curiosity was too strong. From a complete inexistence, my 'father' became a blurry figure as if I was looking at him but the sun was blinding me and so I couldn't picture his features. Then he got the shapes of perfection, a ridiculous fiction that nonetheless rocked my dreams and this man that I would probably never get to meet suddenly won my heart; turned into my hero. The only one.

"Why is your bed always empty in the morning?"

I must have got this absurd way of avoiding precise words from my mother because when it comes to intimate feelings, I'm unable to express myself clearly; obviously even when I was six. I was playing with one of my dolls on the couch when I suddenly looked up and frowned at her. It took her aback and she choked on her coffee; then blushed.

"What are you talking about, Honey?"

"Why isn't my dad here? You're pretty."

The physical option had been discarded from my innocent mind since the very beginning. Like a lot of children, I simply thought that my mom was sublime.

She looked aside and shrugged. She seemed to be embarrassed. The flame that used to dance in her eyes disappeared and her gaze turned blank. She passed her hand through my hair and smiled weakly at me.

"Life can be quite complicated, sweetie."

Jack rushed in and we gave up the subject. I could have gone back to it as soon as we happened to face each other again but she never tried to; I didn't dare. I was afraid that the fragile flame in her eyes would lose all its power and vanish in a torrent of tears.

I would have to wait a couple years more for details and almost a decade to get this mystery resolved. By then I simply closed my eyes and dreamed about my fictive dad.


	4. It's in his kiss

**_It's in his kiss_**

_The door flew open and Karen rushed in; stopping and abandoningher purse on the couch. Her panicked eyes scanned the living-room as her loud breath was moving her chest quickly. She swallowed hard, passed her tongue over her lips and screamed in frustratation._

_She kneeled down slowly on the floor, face between her hands; her eyes closed. Why did she always ruin everything? A wave of air caressed her nape and made her shiver. She looked up; he was there._

"I feel depressed. She can't be sixteen now."

Leaning against the door of the bathroom, Karen stared blankly at the tub. How come those years had passed by so fast? She had thought that only a few seconds might have disappeared in the nets of life but reality suddenly hit her harshly. She had been wrong, since the very beginning. She sighed and held the phone tighter; Will hadn't replied but she knew he was smiling in that singular way of his that used to comfort her a lot more than words. There was no surprise about him anymore but the bitter sensation of lightness the attorney left in her heart as soon as she happened to see him.

"Oh boy, sixteen years; did you ever realize it?"

She rolled her eyes and bit her lower lip to prevent herself from crying. It meant a lot more than their daughter turning sixteen years old. When the weight of their lies seemed to be plaguing her mind with tricks, she simply took a deep breath and concentrated on something else; anything. But it was hard for now. Eighteen years spent under the silence of a heavy regret for not having dared to do anything about it. It was too late now.

_She stood up and shook her head to apologize but he simply smiled then timidly leaned over to kiss her back. Something happened at this exact moment in their heads unless it had already been set off by her previous and unexpected gesture towards him in the middle of the street a few minutes before. He was speaking; she had stopped to capture his lips. And there was no plan at all, not even a slight fantasy; just the perfection of a stolen moment until she had realized it and started running away. She felt his fingers on her nape and they settled it down with the ingenuity of novices; if only they had known about the spring of their pact. _

"Honey wouldn't be here though."

Karen nodded at his remark and raised an eyebrow, reluctantly convinced. She hated when he was right and it didn't match with her aspirations.

"I would have absolutely no life then."

She stepped out of the bathroom ten minutes later. The teenager was laid on the couch, leafing through some fashion magazine.

"So this is how you want to spend your sixteenth birthday, pathetically laid on a couch?"

Honey pouted, vaguely biting her lips. The gesture had turned into the most common habit for her though it always left Karen a bit speechless and uncomfortable. She felt like she was facing herself with the only difference being, that time hadn't damaged the features and she was younger; a lot more innocent too.

"I can barely believe that you're not going to come up with those devilish plans of yours…"

She was about to reply when another wave of melancholy took possession of her soul. She moved her lips in silence; froze and bent over to kiss her daughter's head who vaguely moaned.

"You're getting sentimental, Karen. Be careful, it could hurt you one day."

_She had never been kissed that way before. He was tender and protective with an impressive amount of respect towards her. It was a whole that had nothing to do with the previous ones, all these men she had accepted in her life. No matter how nice they had been, none of them had left such sentiment of perfection and logic in her heart. Will; she broke the kiss and locked her eyes with his. Why had it happened to be him? The question would come back regularly through the years but the answer would remain blurry, unspeakable. They didn't stop there though. He kissed her back before plunging in the depth of her neck as his hands were discovering the curves of her body, forbidden; until then by their friendship. _

_It went slowly, sweetly; with the slight apprehension of the first times, the awkwardness of the beginning. And while still a bit breathless, after having shivered in his arms, Karen leaned up on her elbows, cupped his face in her hands and smiled against his mouth. Something warmed up her heart, made her blood boil and she felt like she was alive. _

_They made love twice that day and left on separate ways when the night fell over the city; with the quiet promise, implicit necessity, to find again each other's arms, soon, very soon._

"I turned sentimental the very first day you came into my life. Everything began…"

Honey rolled her eyes, pretending to be exasperated by Karen's story. The millionaire had sat down on the couch and cuddled against her daughter; left a kiss on the top of her daughter's head and narrowed her eyes, lost in what looked like a tender past.

"Damn not the story of my birth, please…?"

"You hurt me like hell for twenty non – stop hours, so you deserve to hear it as much as I feel like telling it; period."

Honey scoffed before smiling and settling further on the couch. The truth was that if she hadn't heard that story for her birthday, she would have felt an empty place left in her heart. Life was tiny, fragile and unexpected. That's why some rituals always ended up reassuring her, easing her mind.

She hadn't slept well at all, rolling over and over in her bed the whole night. She had played it all in her head like actors rehearsing before the premiere. Was it stage fright that made her heartbeats speed up like that? Perhaps; all she actually knew was that it was time to let the truth come out. She had been waiting for too long and if they hadn't dared then, she would be the one to ask for attention, highlight the truth about her life. Honey nodded to herself and smiled; yes, it was time for everyone to know about her life.


	5. Always be there

**_Always be there_**

It's a very small picture that almost gets lost in the middle of the others like the shiest person in the world that nobody really sees. You leaf through the photo album and simply miss it. The wind helped me one day and stopped the pages right on it. His shadow and nothing else; it's all I thought I owned of my father, the mere figure of a man reflected on the sand on this Sunday afternoon when I made my first steps. My mother has squatted down behind me and she smiles at him with a sparkling flame in her eyes. She seems so happy, relieved. There's not an ounce of sadness that takes possession of her features like , on the other ones but there's something special on this photograph; something I would have probably missed if she hadn't told me that he was the man who had taken it.

I swallowed back my frustration for not remembering that day, as logical as it was. But like an old secret floating above my head I made of this photograph the craziness of my dreams. I spent hours looking at it, trying to keep in mind the smallest detail then smiled while realizing that I had happened to see him at least once.

We had just argued over some nail varnish I had used without her permission and after a couple of regretful words, we had apologized in silence; ashamed before our absurd resentment towards each other. She had thrown herself on my bed and let her foot play with mine. It's her own way to say that she was sorry; that she had gone too far. I was twelve years old and full of misunderstandings, doubts about myself and insecurities but the worst of all was him. Why had he gone away? Was he still alive? What had happened exactly? I was building my identity with a disturbing absence of roots; but with so much love though, so many efforts that I never really dared to ask my mom anything. It burnt my lips; I got resigned.

"Does he know about me?"

I saw her lips tremble, and for a couple of seconds I regretted it. Have you ever made the person you love the most cry? It's a terrible feeling of emptiness and the cruelty of your heart simply breaks the wisdom of your soul into pieces. She looked aside and grabbed a teddy bear, and studied it pointlessly.

"Yes he does."

"He doesn't like me, does he? That's why he's not here."

She became livid and put a shaking hand over her mouth as if she was trying to restrain a scream. It's when I realized that he might have died; that something terrible had happened to him and that's why nobody talked, nobody said anything.

"Oh Honey… Of course he does. He's very proud of you and… I'm so sorry you came to think such a thing; it's just that… I can't."

In an awkward gesture she motioned to her throat, trying to translate the fact that the words were staying trapped. Perhaps in other circumstances I wouldn't have insisted but for some reason my anger won over the rest. I sighed heavily; she jumped, surprised then cleared her voice and locked her eyes with mine.

"As a matter of fact you even spent some time together; in your first years. He was there the day you made your first steps. He loves you a lot. Please, don't think he doesn't. It's not true and… We just ruined it all and I apologize for it."  
It left me speechless. For the very first time my mother hadn't avoided the subject and even given me a detail that put some light on my troubled past. A ton of questions hurried to my brain but I didn't know where to start nor how. She had already told me about the day I had let go of her hands and walked by myself. It was on a beach; we did have pictures but as much as I tried to concentrate, I couldn't remember having seen any man on them.  
"Then why did he leave? I don't understand. Did you break up with him?"

I like her eyes because a thousand of emotions seem to be able to pass by them within a second. From sadness to skepticism, her heart lights up her features and makes her face change, her whole person. She's very sensitive; emotional. I think she felt like saying everything that day while sitting down on my bed. The situation was perfect for confidence; I wasn't too young. Her tongue brushed her lips.

Her hesitation only lasted a micro-second but it resulted enough and she let her chance fly away before swallowing back the weight of it. She passed her hand through my hair, and pouted.

"I don't know why but we made it so complicated that it's impossible to go back now. I'm sorry, sweetie. I wish I could tell you more but… There's no point in making it worse."

She left my bedroom and I never forgot her words; the fine detail she had let escape from her heart. It was probably the most insignificant one in the obscure labyrinth of her lies and secrets but I began to focalize on it then; found the picture of that day and caressed over and over the dark shadow of his body on the sand as if some magic trick would make him appear in front of me. Maybe she hoped that the years would erase our conversation from my mind but it didn't at all.

It explains the reaction I had four months ago and why what was supposed to be a nice evening simply turned into a scary reality. The world seemed to have stopped all of a sudden, and you feel like you're falling down in the depths of a precipice. It's finally happening but for whatever reason you can't get to be happy about it; no matter how long you've been waiting for it.

She had probably forgotten about it, that's why she didn't react. That's why I happened to be the only one who really understood who my father was. The words came from his lips and he said it all, breaking down years of mystery into pieces, without me asking for it.

Will and Karen, Karen and Will; I look at them one more time, cuddled on the couch, then go back to my room, close the door and think about it all.


	6. The Pact

**_The pact_**

Karen sat down on the floor and looked at the heater with perplexity. Eighteen years she had been living on her own and she still didn't know how it worked properly. She bit her lower lip, subconsciously humming to the tune playing in the background. Her fingers brushed the ceramic absent-mindedly. She held her breath then sighed and pouted before the evident conclusion that she would not be able to do the slightest thing. She stood up and observed Honey who was still sat on the couch, plunged into a photo album, as she always did when she was nostalgic or worried.

The dark-haired woman made a step forward but stopped; turned around and stared at the heater bitterly. How many times had she backed away in retreat because she didn't know how to deal with feelings, no matter that her own child was suffering. She closed her eyes in a furtive motion to prevent absurd tears from falling down her cheeks. It sounded so hard when her heart kept on shouting that she needed Will.

_"She's adorable. Look at her fingers. They are so tiny…"_

_Grace smiled at her friend; charmed by the new-born sagely sleeping in her crib. Honey was the loveliest baby she had ever happened to see. Her features were perfect no matter she was only born a couple of hours earlier. She looked a lot like Karen; her mother. The interior designer blinked, a bit overwhelmed. The way the events were turning was simply troubling, especially since it sounded so right. Nobody would have ever imagined that Karen Walker would embrace motherhood and it would suit her so well. Nobody could rely on appearances, finally. _

_The millionaire didn't say a word. She felt intimidated and a bit too tired. Grace sighed before looking down, raising an eyebrow._

_"So there's no way you tell us about the father, huh?"_

_Karen narrowed her eyes and shook her head. They had spoken about it so many times yet that she would never handle it again now. Her friend lifted her hand in the air, apologizing. _

_"Will is dating someone. We argued. He's going away from me; I don't know why but I guess I'm losing him. He's become so secretive."_

_She never felt comfortable when the interior designer confessed herself to her about him and she simply kept on pretending, playing ingenuity all along. It was disgusting. She shouldn't have been using their friendship like that. She was ruining everything. _

_"Why would he not tell you about his date?"_

_"He hadn't told me about Diane…"_

_She shivered and vaguely sat up in her bed. The place was so calm, too much all of a sudden. She grabbed a plastic cup and sipped some water. Her heartbeats had speeded up their pace before the slight comment from her friend._

_"Do you think he's dating a woman?"_

_"I don't know. It's a possibility. Why would he stay quiet if it was a guy? I don't understand anything."_

_"Perhaps he's not ready. It might be a fling."_

_"Will doesn't give into casual sex and you know it."_

_She passed her tongue over her dry lips. Grace was right. He was way too serious for that. Within a second the words left her heart and ran through her veins to reach her mouth. For the very first time they didn't stay trapped in her throat. Was fragility as unexpected as her relationship with the attorney? Tears welled up in her eyes and she was about to tell Grace everything when her friend took her aback by an incisive reply._

_"I would never pardon him if he did. I know it's awful because all he deserves is happiness but I can't accept it. That he 'tried' with Diane is a thing but if he's dating another woman while he turned me down, that is not something I could handle. I am such a horrible person… But wouldn't you feel the same if you were me? Our friendship would break into pieces and I can't afford to lose him."_

_Later that day, when Jack and Grace had left the hospital, Karen took a deep breath and let her hopes fly away. She planted a soft kiss on Will's lips and smiled at him brightly. They should have been celebrating Honey's birth with the typical joy of any single parent and she did feel happy as a matter of fact; with no an ounce of melancholy before the impossibility of existence. _

_"I hope you like her name. I didn't even ask you about it…"_  
_Will smiled, caressing his daughter's cheek._

_"It reminds me of you. You say it so often…"_

_"That's why I chose it. This word is a part of me, as well as she is; as well as you are…"_

_She felt like adding 'unfortunately' but she stayed quiet and instead grabbed his hand; renouncing the rest. She never told him about Grace, simply lied all along to protect her friends' relationship. One that was so unique. She could live in the dark; after all the spotlights she had got until then, had only damaged her life. Perhaps it was time to see the response to her troubled soul in silence. _

_They didn't put an end to their story._  
_He was Honey's father and would always be._  
_She would never prevent him from seeing her._

_They kissed and promised each other that they would never confess anything; to anyone. _

"I'm in my bedroom if you need me."

She rushed to her bedroom and closed the door behind her; slid down on the floor and cried in silence. She should have assumed it all as soon as she had been in measure to do it. Fighting against love to save a friendship had been her most ridiculous idea; because she had failed and ruined her life. Will's life. And probably also her daughter's life.


	7. The concept of happiness

**_The concept of happiness_**

I love my bedroom. It's a tiny place but such a lovely one; where the passing of time has left unforgettable memories; photographs and postcards hung on the walls. But one more time it's not the appearances that really catch my heart but the fact that my mother prepared it all for me and that's the most beautiful gesture of love she ever gave me. She painted the walls, chose some furniture so that I felt at home, so that I'd feel fine. She spent a large amount of time trying to imagine what I could enjoy, what I could think. She analyzed my reactions, made her best to anticipate the unique process of my brain. In a word she dedicated herself entirely to my well-being and that's something I will never forget.

I can barely imagine myself living somewhere else. This is the place I grew up; where everything began and where it has to come to an end at some point. No matter where I go to college, no matter that I'll own a flat of my own, one day, this one is my home; the only one. And it will always be. The only reason why I would like for us to move out is a very old dream of mine. I know it's probably too late even though she's still on the pill but now that their story is public, at last…

It's not that I lacked love or ever felt lonely but simply that the notion of impossibility has always attracted me. I think it's not unusual, as if a human being was in a constant quest of love, happiness; feelings that seem to never find a resonance in our reality and so we are never satisfied, always looking for an idea that we might have already reached it, but that for some reason, we come to imagine it to be brighter.

I wouldn't have minded that it'd been a boy or a girl, as long as I could have said it out loud, so proud, that I wasn't an only child.

"Okay so you stay concentrated on a point right in front of you. Take a deep breath and when you feel ready, let's go."

I nodded and pretended to control the situation in its slightest details. This is exactly the reason why I laugh at my mother when she does the same and I'm sure that I looked a lot like her while holding my bike tightly, just to hide my shaking hands as a pale and forceful smile was timidly playing on my lips. I was five years old but for some reason I had decided that it was time for me to try without the little wheels. I have always been surrounded by adults, people claiming for autonomy, independence. This is what I took as a model and tried to copy; that's why I was always in demand to reproduce what symbolized for me, the logic of existence.

We were in Riverside Park, in December. The air was chilling and I could barely feel the metal of my bike under my gloves. I was hot, stressed and my red ski cap vaguely fell down over my eyes. My mother was looking at me from the end of the path, a bit farer. I remember that she was balancing on her feet, probably scared to death if I happened to fail and fall down then right on the asphalt. His hand was on my shoulder, the other one on the saddle. Without any warning I started pedaling; he followed me, held me until I realized that he had let go of my bike. My eyes opened wildly and I started crying but kept on pedaling though. She stopped me slowly, then hugged me tight and winced. My tears turned into a bright smile and I laughed hard. Will had joined us. Was his hand on her waist? I don't really remember. They probably didn't really pay attention to their gestures by then for me being too young to understand.

It hit me all of a sudden while observing them through my euphoric joy. I assume that if it hadn't caught my attention before it was because they had never looked so close. The joy of the moment had invaded their features and they were proud, like any parent, of what I had just done. While hugging me tight and smiling foolishly, the evidence embraced my young mind.

"Why don't you two get married?"

My sudden question took them aback. My mother vaguely lost her balance as Will's smile froze. They blushed, cleared their voice nervously and looked aside obviously embarrassed.

"What are you talking about, Honey? Sweetie… You know that Will and I are friends and… Well, friends don't get married. It's not how it works."

The words had come right from my heart for us looking like a real family but my mother's reply broke it all into pieces. I guess I blinked or frowned.

"Then could you give me a little sister or a brother? Since I'm not allowed to have a dog…?"

Of course it made it worst. They giggled and Will took me in his arms, locked his eyes with mine. He did that a lot with such a peculiar strength that it always seemed different from any other person who did it as well. Perhaps his heart was just trying to say to me what their pact would never let him confess. If only we were able to read through people's gazes.

"You should think about it twice, Honey. Having siblings might seem to be a lot of fun but we wouldn't be able to give you as much as attention as we do now and the worst of all… You would have to share your toys; your dolls."

I looked at them both, so close; their cheeks almost brushing each other's. I guess my mother lost the sparkling flame in her hazel eyes when she nodded at me to support Will's argument. She passed her hand around my waist and intertwined her fingers with his to hold me tighter.

Is happiness an utopia or it's just that we always wish for too many things, too strong feelings, making it all untouchable? My life is brighter today but I still do have this weight on my heart that pushes me to want more; and more. I know we are all alike so even though they're married now and look happy, I'm sure they do have regrets that tend to darken the sweetness of their lives; things they would never be able to reach for this impossibility to go back and erase the worst of our lives.

I think it's sad.


	8. Where life stopped once

**_Where life stopped once_**

They stepped out of their building and shivered instinctively as the wind passed underneath their scarves and caressed their necks with invisible hands of ice. It was a very cold day but with such a bright sun that you couldn't help feeling fine, relaxed somehow. Karen passed her arm around her daughter's, held it tight then turned on her right as usual but Honey resisted and seemed to feel like taking the opposite direction.

"Where are you going to, sweetie?"

It was her birthday so according to the tradition, the millionaire used to accept every single whim from her daughter though this time she looked a bit confused. They had both just agreed with the fact that they would go for a stroll to the park and obviously the teenager was suddenly opting for another activity that had taken her aback.

With a timid finger Honey pointed at Central Park. Karen froze, her features getting deeper. She looked down at the ground and shook her head before murmuring in a low tone of voice.

"You know perfectly well that I don't go there; especially when you're with me. Riverside Park is a wonderful area. We don't need the other park."

"Oh come on, mom! Why is your life so strange and mysterious? It's funny and kind of singular for a while but then we really grow tired of it you know. Tell me something!"

The sudden reaction made Karen jump. She opened her eyes widely then stared at her daughter in disbelief. Honey never lost her nerves like that. She was a very calm girl, a patient one. Doubts rushed to her mind and began to twirl bewitchingly until a bitter realization turned on some light over a point of their existence. The adjectives she attributed to her daughter and that sounded so true might finally only be some trick of her own mind and so she had been wrong since the very beginning; about everything.

"I'm sorry, Honey. I didn't mean to make you angry."

"Then why do you never say the slightest thing? Why do you keep it all to yourself?"

The unexpected rage got her intimidated. She was shrugging, looking from right to left; her lips moving in silence as if the words would anyway end up coming out by themselves. She frowned, adjusted her glasses.

"It's not the brightest memory I have so honestly, I don't really feel like speaking about it now; or ever. It's not about you, well… You're not really concerned, just vaguely connected to it. But please believe me, I don't feel fine at all while speaking about it. It still scares me a lot."

_It had been snowing the whole morning but as the sun had finally appeared, she had decided to go for a walk through Central Park. While still living with Stanley in their penthouse, she used to spend a lot of time observing the park from the windows of the green house. Sitting down on an armchair, she loved contemplating how life was going on, evolving majestically through the seasons with the elegance of logic and the beauty of subtlety. Now that she had got a divorce and moved out, she did miss it a lot so instead of keeping her distance with it, she passed the gates and joined the trees, the grass, the paths. She became a part of it for a moment; forgot all the rest._

_She was due within a week. Her relationship with her future child was getting the shapes of reality, at last. The days passed by and she felt closer and closer to the way her life was slowly turning into. She hadn't meant to get pregnant, especially not with Will. As much as she did love him and his feelings were also serious, they still didn't exist properly as a couple; and would never be if things kept on going this way._

_She grabbed her scarf and stepped out of her building then slowly headed to Central Park. Will would stop by later in the evening. She barely spent a night on her own now, just in case her waters would break and she would have to rush to the hospital. Her new flat was just halfway between Riverside and Central Park. As soon as you closed the door behind you, the trees of both green areas appeared in the background; right or left, as you like. She never really paid attention to the smallest one. She had spent way too many years observing the other one. _

_She passed the gates peacefully and was heading to some particular bench on which she loved sitting down for a while when the bike rushed in front of her, going so fast. A mother following her young son; she smiled and froze all of a sudden. She didn't see anything but heard it in the slightest detail; how the car slowed down, the breaks producing a shrieking sound on the damp asphalt, a scream, a collision. _  
_She should have kept on walking, ignoring the evidence that was taking place behind her back but her curiosity pushed her to turn around and look blankly at the scene. The child's bike was on the other side of the road, the wheels were still turning in the air as if a new path would appear and everybody would keep on living peacefully, safely. The mother had stopped, the driver had stepped out of his car and both strangers were sharing tears before the body of a child's lost soul._

_She came back home as quickly as her nine-month-pregnant stomach allowed her; closed the door behind her, took off her coat and dialed Will's number. Her voice was shaking; the baby was kicking, obviously stressed out by the events. He arrived almost immediately to find her sitting down on the floor in front of the fireplace, sobbing quietly. Without saying a word he sat down next to her and took her in his arms. Then she finally accepted to burst into tears before telling him the whole story a couple of hours later; after a bath and the reassuring heat of his body against hers._

_She gave birth to Honey three days later as the image of the dead little boy was still burning in her head; his blood leaving his heart, making it all stop. She swore to herself that it would never happen to her own daughter. So she simply drew a line under Central Park as if the distance would be enough to erase it all from her mind._

Honey frowned but calmed down right away. Her mother never confessed such a feeling that would do nothing but highlight her weaknesses. She was scared; looked paler and insecure.

"Okay let's go to Riverside then."

_Maybe he would look at us from his flat. I wish he did; my dad…_


	9. Always think about it twice

**_Always think about it twice_**

They always told me to think about it twice; 'it' being a whole series of different things from chocolate to money to friends. Choosing in a rush is never a good idea and if we stop for a moment, try to analyze the situation we have been given, it can't result in being perfect for everyone. This is what I've been taught, what they kept on saying day after day but is there really just one possibility, a unique way to behave? They took their time and almost ruined all of their lives. I couldn't let it go on without saying anything when I knew it all.

My mother is impulsive; Will is not a dreamer at all. He needs to live in the moment. He needs to embrace existence with the peculiar shades of an intense reality. They changed it all though for a couple of complicated minds and the weight of the past. They made their own personas silent in a protective attempt towards Grace and Jack, the rest of the society too somehow; even themselves. They thought about it twice when all they should have done was live it at the most because we never know what will happen tomorrow.

They almost missed it out for having used their brains when their hearts were controlling it all. So I disagree with this so-called precept that supposedly brings wisdom and happiness to every single one of our gestures. It's not true. Sometimes it's good to go ahead of time and dare to change some things without thinking the slightest bit of it. Being in love is a luck that we shouldn't be allowed to ruin so easily.

I would like to open the door of my bedroom and sit down next to them. I have a ton of questions twirling around in my head, years of wonders and blurriness that need explanations; just to reassure myself. I might have grown surrounded by love and care, I always lacked the right balance to avoid sleepless nights and horrible nightmares. I was a child who needed to be hugged and comforted, at any time.

I was just missing my dad.

Maybe I should go and not think about it twice.

I used to scream with a very high-pitched voice during what looked like eternity. My eyes were wide open and I stared at the ceiling, plunged in the dark, in a deep blue of cold feelings. My hands were clutched to the blanket but I wasn't even afraid, just felt terribly lonely.

_The door opened as the warm light of the living-room entered slowly. She hurried to me and kneeled down. She looked worried unless she had just argued and was dealing with the fact she had to put it all into parenthesis for me. She took a deep breath and smiled, then passed her hand through my hair. Her voice was always so soft then; calm like a whisper of love._

_"It's okay, Honey. I'm here… It's okay, sweetie."_

I always had to come up with some lie, a sort of huge nightmare that would require my mother's arms.

_I screamed; the door opened. But for once the fragile frame of my mother didn't appear and for a couple of seconds I stared in disbelief at the person who was coming in. It was uncle Will. With an irreproachable seriousness he tried to reassure me but his presence had taken me aback so much that I didn't hear his words. His lips were moving but the confusion of my sleepy mind seemed to be quite louder. _

_"What are you doing here? Where is mommy?"_

_He burst out laughing and looked at the open door behind him; then cleared his voice. He seemed to be a little embarrassed. I was nine ye_

_ars old then and I remembered very well that he wasn't there when I had gone to bed. I casted a glance at the alarm o'clock: one in the morning. He tugged me before planting a kiss on my forehead. _

_"We're working on some important papers. It's okay."_

_I nodded and smiled but instead of going away and getting back to those "papers", he sat down and frowned; shaking his head._

_"What's happening to you, Honey? You never woke up like that when you were three, not even as a baby…"_

_My mother had never dared to insist or even speak about those nightmares with me. I had come to the conclusion that she saw them as a part of normality when it was the exact opposite. _

_I had come up with them to compensate all the rest, those things I didn't have; some people I was missing in my life. As it hadn't really hit my mind until I had turned six or so, my nights had been as peaceful as the quietest lake. My subconscious simply decided to take another direction one day and shout out my discomfort; in its own way._

_I looked at him a bit surprised and blinked. I didn't really know why I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night. It had just become logical that my mother hadn't denied or pointed it out as problematic. I hadn't imagined that it required any kind of justification. _

_I didn't reply; he winced._

_"You know that it's just a dream, a bad one maybe but this door will always fly open as soon as you are in need of us. You don't have to scream or get scared of anything because you're not alone, Honey and you will never be. You're smart and old enough to understand what I mean so think about it twice."_

Think about it twice. If I had done that, I might have found out about them a lot earlier. There're so many clues of the fact they were hiding something from us… But at the same time if I hadn't rushed to the truth a couple of months ago to say it all out loud, I would have never been able to call Will my dad. And we would all be missing so many things if I had thought about it twice as they had kept on doing.

Perhaps it's more about a balance between both extremities; a sort of compromise. There's no harm in the fact to be impulsive; there's no harm to think about it twice before reacting. It all depends on our feelings and how we come to be happy for the rest of our lives. It's what I understood that night when I was nine. And my nightmares went away by themselves.

Think about it twice.


	10. So evident

**_So evident_**

They sat down at a table in silence, their cheeks reddened by the sudden heat of the place contrasting sharply with the icy wind of December that had accompanied their steps for a couple of hours. They took off their coats and smiled at each other. The restaurant was full and in turmoil but the quietness of their gazes seemed to give a distinctive rhythm to the small area they were occupying as if as soon as you penetrated their sphere, you got swallowed by some natural peace; a soft silence of love.

The first time they had pushed the doors of the diner had just been a vague attempt to escape from the rain. Honey was four and they had been surprised by the sudden storm of July. The place owned absolutely nothing. The furniture was old and the menu extremely classic; cheap food for such a common place. But the spell had worked out for some mysterious reason and the tiny diner lost among high places of the new _cuisine _in New York, had got their preferences. They went there every week, just to share a sweet moment together, far from the routine of the flat. They devoured a Sundae and let time go by over the years.

Karen narrowed her eyes and grabbed her daughter's hand and held it tight.

"You should stop growing… I really don't like it, you know."

Honey sighed, pretending to feel exasperated by her mother's melancholy but before she found an effective reply, her attention got caught by a necklace that Karen was wearing. She frowned and stared at it.

"Where did you get it?"

The teenager pointed out at the jewel. Taken aback and obviously embarrassed, the millionaire put an instinctive hand on it; blushing.

"Oh it's nothing just… It's just a present from someone."

For a couple of seconds Karen observed her daughter's eyes. A new flame seemed to have showed under the meanings of her comment. She let it go though, didn't insist. It was hard to handle the slightest gesture of care from Will under silence; it was burning her heart, embracing her lips. Why would people keep on hiding the reason why they were smiling?

"Don't forget to tell your secret admirer that his choice has been excellent. It suits you very well."

Karen blushed even more which made Honey smile brightly. When the night fell over New York, she would reveal to everyone the identity of her mother's lover; the man who had been sharing her life for such a long time. And if she was about to do that, it was because she knew that it wasn't a mere façade, a fling. Long stories like theirs could only be led by love. She leaned over the table and kissed her mother's cheek. Karen shook her head, confused. Honey shrugged.

"I'm just happy to turn sixteen."

_It had been different since the very beginning; as soon as she had felt his arms around her and they had kissed. A warm sensation of well-being had passed underneath her skin, running through her veins before exploding in a peculiar motion in her heart. It had to be him, as unexpected as the situation was. _

_Will; she loved pronouncing his name just to feel the print of his soul against her lips. Her heart began to beat faster then and she couldn't help but smile. She was in love. It was as simple as that; like the rain falling down when the sky was gray with menacing clouds. She used to let time go by before saying the words out loud, with Stanley and the others. And even by then, it didn't really sound right; not always, never. _

_She passed a hand through his hair and caressed his hip with her knee; locked her eyes with his, and stopped smiling. _

_"I love you."_

_Her breath became louder but she didn't look for an escape. He was on top of her, holding her tight in bed. All she actually wanted was to stay there, forever; to forget all the rest. He leaned over and captured her lips in a deep kiss then made his way slowly to her ear and rolled on his side._

_"I love you too."_

_They had waited for two days to let it come out; forty-eight hours between their first kiss and the realization of their feelings. It had to go fast; it shouldn't have been hidden like that._

_They talked a lot, perhaps in an attempt to avoid the silence that would remind them of Jack and Grace; the impossibility of the way their lives were turning. But the subconscious distance they were trying to put between it, headed to the exact opposite and they became closer, confident and hopeful; probably way too much._

_"A girl, definitely a girl; then perhaps a boy but I want to have a daughter first."_

_She leaned up and came to rest against his shoulder, her eyes just a few inches away from his; her legs intertwined with his, their bare skin brushing each other. She bit her lower lip and smiled. Her features were soft but deeper than usual; her complexion paler, with irregularities that brought a singular beauty to her face. She hadn't put on makeup yet and didn't care that much as a matter of fact; She felt fine and secured; enjoying some plans that they might make come true one day, if only…_

_"I hope she will get your eyes; our little Emma."_

_The attorney burst out laughing, pleasantly surprised by the audacity of the millionaire who had accepted his game so easily when it was so hard for her sometimes to confess her feelings; let people know who she was. _

_"So Emma is her name? I like it…"_

_"I will give birth to her exactly nine months after our honeymoon and she will have a purple bedroom on the first floor of our house."_

_"I want a dog."_

_"I just want you."_

_Perhaps they had been scared of happiness and that's why they had missed out and stayed quiet. How would things have turned if they had made their relationship public and been able to show the least sign of care whenever they felt like it? The sparkling vivacity of their story might have weakened if not disappeared entirely. The routine of usual things would have put an end to it; maybe. _  
_Or they had simply lacked courage and tried desperately to adapt themselves to it. It's all about making it bright, no matter how bitter it tastes sometimes._

"I wish I could be in love as you are now…"

Honey observed her mother's reaction with amused eyes. Comments about an eventual love life were rare between the two of them for being so secret, almost inexistent. She had taken Karen completely aback.

"The only person I'm in love with is you, sweetie. There's absolutely nobody else in my life."

Honey rolled her eyes and shook her head slowly.

"You know it's not true. You may love me but I'm not responsible of the way your heart beats so loud."

Karen's smile froze. She looked aside, perplexed; worried. The clock struck 2pm. Doubts invaded her head and it's when the perfection of her daughter's birthday began to get darker shades, troubling ones. It's when her so controlled life seemed to slowly fall down like a house of cards. What was Honey thinking about?

And all of a sudden Karen realized that she might be the one who had been fooled this time.


	11. Honey's world

**_Honey's world_**

This is the story of a little girl who grew up without understanding why people kept on saying how lucky she could be. From her friends to perfect strangers, she always saw them green with envy before the uniqueness of her relationship with her mother; the way it was all so distinctive. She didn't say a word, barely protested; just smiled timidly, nodded, vaguely unconvinced.

I don't know why we always want what we can't get, why we're always unsatisfied. When everyone thought that my life was idyllic, all I was wishing for was a traditional scheme; a real family. I would have loved, just for once, to come home, sit at the table and look at both of my parents but all I had was an empty chair and my mother's artificial conversation to fill the silence when she saw my eyes fixed on the lame portrait we were giving; thus highlighting the evident absence of a paternal figure.

She always guessed that I was missing him but as I stayed quiet, she preferred to avoid the subject, thanking my absence of questions with a sincere relief. And so life went on; awesome for everyone, troubling for her and me, it's all about irony.

I think I had lost hope and started concentrating on different things; accepting the idea that I wouldn't be like the other ones. Perhaps it's when we're not expecting it anymore that it finally shows up; then makes it all tip over. I had spent so many years fantasizing about this moment, trying to guess what my feelings would be when the light suddenly appeared over everything. But what I really learned from that evening is that it's impossible to anticipate these kind of things.

We used to have dinner at his place on Thursday. Grace and Jack were also there, most of the time. As much as they had made their lives on their respective sides, apart from my mom and my dad, their friendship was still too strong and important to let it get swallowed by the rest; marriages and boyfriends, opening nights and family reunions. I loved those moments. I still do as a matter of fact. It was when I really felt like that the circle was full and perfect, that a sentiment of belonging to a real family embraced my heart and warmed up my lonely disillusions. We were speaking about Grace's niece, Samantha, when it happened; almost ten year after my first wonders.

"Leo and I saw her last week and she's adorable."

"Does she walk yet?"

My mother raised an eyebrow while taking a mouthful of pasta. The truth was that since she had given birth to me, something had set off in her mind, a sudden interest towards children and psychological development which had left most people perplexed if not astonished and speechless. I guess she had simply dared to open her heart and show a part of who she really was.

Grace shook her head.

"No, not yet though we barely have to hold her hands now so I'm sure it will happen very soon."

"It was exactly the same for Honey the day she made her first steps."

Will stopped in the middle of his sentence and looked at me with the most innocent smile; then went on.

"Has your mother ever told you about that day?"

I nodded and was about to add something when his own words made me freeze. I restrained a gasp.

"It was on Coney Island, a freezing day on the beach. Your mother had insisted but honestly the air was so chilling. We were playing in the sand when all of a sudden, without any warning, you dropped my hand and walked towards Karen. Nobody spoke as if your steps had stolen our voices, our words. I will never forget it…"

He looked at my mother who was smiling softly, silent. Obviously she was moved. Her hand grabbed his and held it tight before breaking the sweet moment with some ridiculous remark.

She didn't remember the confession she had made or she wouldn't have been smiling so peacefully and openly at this exact moment. The dust covering my memories had suddenly flown away to put a bright, almost blinding, light over the facts that determined my life; the person I was, as if every single clue I had been given all along had finally found the right connection to make it clear, to let me understand.

My heart was beating so fast; my hands were shaking. I was facing my dad; I had been seeing him my whole life. Curiously enough I didn't feel happy but betrayed and so I excused myself, rushed to the bathroom, locked the door and burst into tears.

I was shocked and angry, wondering why they had stayed quiet over it, all of them. Was I the reason of some shame? I took a deep breath and let it go away slowly; little by little. My brain was in turmoil, lost. I stepped out and sat back at the table then smiled as if nothing had happened; as if life was going on as it had always done. I needed answers, explanations, but instead of breaking up the heavy silence over my roots, I simply observed them, investigated on my own.

My conclusions came up very soon, very quickly as if now I knew about my dad's identity, things would always appear easily, logically. Grace and Jack didn't know anything and didn't dare to ask. Obviously my mother was reluctant to speak about this part of her life and she probably had her reasons for that. They respected it as any close friend would do.

I followed her during one of her evenings out. Now that the years had passed by and I was old enough to take care of myself, I simply stalked her; just once. The accidental revelation had also stirred up a thick veil of doubts over the rest of my life and my mother's schedule, the excuses she gave me when she was out. Was she lying? It got it all confused, extremely blurry.

It hadn't crossed my mind that they had kept on seeing each other. The first conclusions of my own analyzes were that I was probably the result of some one-night stand they had preferred to stay quiet over; no matter the sequels that had followed then. She turned on her right and walked down towards The Theater District before stopping on Columbus Circle, just next to the fountain. I hid behind a tree, feeling a bit stupid; ashamed. Hands in the pockets of her coat, she was obviously waiting for someone. Her eyes were going from right to left; she was balancing on her feet nervously, impatiently. It couldn't but be a man because she always told me when she saw some girl friend, most of the time Grace; I also knew when it was Jack. Her silence said it all, so easily.

And then he appeared, stepping out of the mall. At first I growled, feeling ridiculous before the craziness of my bondless imagination. She wasn't dating anyone, just seeing Will; my uncle. But even before him getting closer I understood something that I would have never imagined possible; my mother's smile. When she saw him her whole face lit up; I held my breath in disbelief. She made a few steps forwards and rushed into his arms; then leaned over. They kissed; I cried.

My previous wonders flew away as I felt my heart break into pieces before the incomprehensible silence over their feelings. They were missing it all. I had to do something.

And I did. Now they're married. They're happy.

She's everything to me. She raised me on her own, taught me all she knew; how she perceives the world. She hates conventionalism and whenever the shapes of some determined rules appear, she heads right to the exact opposite. She's shocking, funny and unique. That's why people say that I'm lucky.

I'm not so sure though. As much as she told me about the importance of autonomy, I got addicted. We laugh; we cry. We argue; we make peace. Together; it's always her and me. I can't live without her and I do wonder what will happen the day I will have to leave for college. She has Will; she won't feel lonely. But what about me? She's the only reference I've ever got to see.

Honey's world is a bit lame; full of happiness but with way too many insecurities. I don't really like it.


	12. Epilogue

**_I'm sorry_**

For some reason Karen didn't manage to forget Honey's words; the small smile, a bit too enigmatic, that had played on her lips when they had sat down at the diner to have lunch. She had let the afternoon go by with the horrible feeling, the tearing sensation that something was about to happen. And it didn't sound good at all. It scared her for it invading a sphere she had thought untouchable. Will and her; was it really possible that their daughter had guessed something?

She passed her hand through her daughter's long hair and looked at the image reflected by the mirror of her bedroom. How come two people could look like each other so much? The only difference was the flame in their hazel eyes. Honey's one was brighter, more innocent. Time hadn't blown on it yet and made it look pale, cold and lonely. She grabbed a comb and proceeded to separate the teenager's dark hair before working meticulously, with care and love on each side. She loved those moments when there was nothing but the silence of their gazes and the timid feeling of living in a perfect time, full and secure enough to enjoy it at the most.

It didn't have to be lousy but intimate, seemingly so right. She liked to make a distinction between Honey's parties with her friends and the celebration with her family. She knew from experience that the spotlights didn't always bring the best to a young life. She might have thought it once but she had quickly changed her mind. She wanted it to be perfect, as always; but turning sixteen owned a singular resonance in her heart. It was all coming back to her sharply; the argument, the night and the loneliness of this feeling she had made a mistake but that it was too late and she couldn't go back anymore. She couldn't repeat her own past with her only child; she couldn't afford to lose her.

She put on a deep red dress, did her hair but didn't renounce at the last moment to wear her glasses. It might be time anyway to accept the fact that everyone was getting older, with those imperfections that nonetheless made Will smile brightly as soon as he looked at her in one of her most natural poses. He had a thing for her sleepy eyes in the morning, probably because it was so rare when he happened to wake up next to her in bed; even after eighteen years. She took a deep breath and abandoned her room. Honey was waiting in the kitchen area. Karen nodded; they left, still with this shadow of doubt over her head.

They arrived at the attorney's place under the traditional effusions led by a birthday. She barely looked at him, as usual, and pretended to be absorbed into Jack's new misadventures; Grace's complaints. Her gaze crossed her daughter's one. She smiled, vaguely uncomfortable. Was Honey observing her movements? She felt like she was being spied on, by her own child. The idea made her shiver and she left the living-room to get a glass of Champagne. Drinking was turning back into a necessity. She poured some alcohol but jumped all of a sudden, stifling a scream of surprise as she came face-to-face with Will. He was taking the cake out of the fridge. Taking advantage of a moment of inattention from their friends, the attorney planted a kiss on her lips and winced; murmured.

"I can't believe it's been sixteen years. I feel like it was yesterday."

Karen sighed and smiled softly at Will but her eyes kept on staring at their daughter who was talking with Grace on the couch. She leaned over and pushed away a strand of hair behind her ear; clearing her voice.

"I have a bad feeling, Will. Something's going to happen. I'm not sure it's really good, you know."

He frowned and shook his head, obviously confused by her mysterious comment.

"What are you talking about, Kare? It's just a birthday… What could happen?"

He stopped putting on the candles and raised an eyebrow, suddenly worried.

"She's not pregnant, is she?"

Karen rolled her eyes before gently padding his shoulder to make him stop his absurdities but nonetheless swallowed back a wave of incertitude before his comment. She couldn't, could she? Was she even dating someone?

They both came back to the couch, glasses and cake in hands; trying desperately to hide some anxiety stirred up by Karen's comment.

Quietly, the dark-haired woman began to pour Champagne, concentrating as much as she could on her shaking hands. She had never been betrayed by her instinct and her heart was beating way too fast right now. Something was about to happen, she knew it. Everybody grabbed a glass. She cupped her daughter's face with her hand and planted a light kiss on her cheek, admiring the person that had once given a real sense to her life; one of the only two people without whom she might not have been there, that day, no matter she had kept it all for herself and it was burning her so high.

"Well, sweetie, I guess it's time to…"

"If you don't mind, mom, I would like to say something because… I know it has to be said, at last."

Karen's smile froze as the teenager looked at her confused audience with the nervousness stirred up by impatience. The millionaire gulped down her Champagne and stayed quiet, subconsciously taking her distance with Will.

"Well, I grew up in the most amazing family. I never lacked love and care, or attention. Thank you for all the things you have done for me, mom. I guess I will never be able to tell you how much you mean to me… It's nobody's fault but mine. I might be a little crazy, unsatisfied; no matter how lucky I am. As much as you all have been there for me, something kept on missing; there, in my heart. I apologize if I stayed quiet for so long. I was just afraid that if you didn't speak about it, it was because it belonged to those things that should be kept under silence if not completely forgotten. Life went on though and I had almost turned the page over it when it hit me without any warning; for my highest joy but not only mine, that's what I found out and that's why I decided to speak… Because I love you, mom. And you deserve to be happy."

Honey's breath had turned louder, carried on by the weight of her confession. She couldn't help it and started crying, as well as Karen, when she locked her eyes with hers. She didn't stop talking though.

"I know you love him and it's not fair at all for you. You should be allowed to kiss the man of your life in public without dreading people's reactions; the way things could turn. Because we're speaking about love… It's just about a couple of words that made it all clear and I felt so relieved. You have no idea how it's good to know about my origins…"

Shaking, the teenager turned towards Will and smiled with awkwardness; afraid of his reaction.

"I guess I always wanted my dad to be you. It had to be you."

I was born again the day I turned sixteen when my father held me in his arms without pretending anything; for the very first time. The stupefaction only lasted a little while until they kissed and burst out laughing; so relieved. They got married the next week and a whole new life began for us. It still surprises me a lot as if all the things I had known until then had suddenly broken into pieces to get a different shade. I feel like I'm learning it all over again, in a better way while the flame in their eyes found the sparking light of hopes and all those dreams they used to have once; with me. I guess it's time.

Honey stepped out of her bedroom, made a few steps forward until she caught their attention. A timid smile played on her lips. She looked down, asking nothing but their arms, in silence. They made some room on the couch; she sat down between them before lifting her arms in the air. They smiled at the camera and let the picture engrave it all in their hearts.


End file.
